crucible of ennui

I’m sure my next door neighbor’s double take this morning had nothing to do with my attire (leggings and punk band tee-shirt sans bra).

I mean really. Who is out gardening at 7:30 on a Sunday morning?

my job position was eliminated today. boo. I hate it when that happens.

I hate Mondays like today. It’s kinda rainy - which is normally cool, but I’m not home to enjoy it. It’s my week for back-up phone coverage - which is normally cool, but I have some stuff I wanted to focus on and it’s more difficult to concentrate when I have to pick up the phone.

But the absolute worst part of today is the soup I got for lunch. Chicken and wild rice from Ralphs (in Encino btw in case you’re thinking of picking up some). It’s 85% salt and 15% super mega raunchy ass.

I’ve been whammied. Acute Otitis Media - in both ears. I can’t believe how much pain an ear infection can cause. I developed it pretty quickly - overnight last week. I was up in San Luis Obispo and woke up at 2am Thursday morning in pain. Hot shower didn’t help. OTC pain relievers didn’t help. Camped out in front of the Urgent Care in SLO waiting for them to open at 8am. The doctor (who by the way was SUPER COOL. If you’re ever sick in SLO, go to the Urgent Care.) said that I had acute otitis media in both ears. Prescribed antibiotics, pain meds, nose spray, anti-inflammatory. In addition to the two inhalers I’ve been using to get rid of a viral asthmatic cough (which most likely caused the ear infections).

Got home Thursday afternoon. Slept. Then woke up with blood in my right ear canal. Perforated ear drum. It’ll heal on it’s own.

Now I can’t hear. I’ve lost a significant amount of hearing in both ears. From what I’ve read - it can take weeks to months to clear up. What a load of total shit. Everything is muffled and I have a constant ringing in my ears.

This is so uncool. Let me just say - the only thing I can remotely compare the pain level to is being in labor with Catherine. It’s this horrible, constant pain that drives you crazy and you want to run from it to just get away, but you can because it’s inside you.

I <3 Vicodin, btw.

Besides being a pajama-jammy-jam weekend, Catherine and I have been discussing our hair.

Me: Your hair is very pretty, Cat. Thick and shiny… you’re very lucky! My hair is fine…

Cat: and funky.

Thanks for that editorial. Much appreciated.

I’ve been kinda relaxin’ on my already relaxed look since the incident. Needless to say - I’ve been lookin’ kinda homeless.

Check out the streaks of white at my hairline. Bride of Frankenstein goes suburban. So I went to see Laura at the salon this last week and got a cut and color. The color is great. Although there’s still this little patch of white at the temple that seems to want to throw off the color and just stay a streak of white. More power to ya, locks o’ determination.

Then I went to the MAC counter at the mall. All the ladies were busy and the next available counter person was a gorgeous female impersonator. YAY!!! Truly - it was my lucky day. Unfortunately my make-up coach had some bad news, although delivered sympathetically.

DQ <leaning in>: So! Did you know that after a certain age a little bit of concealer does wonders for dark circles under the eyes.

Me: <gasp>

It was true. Once he did his demonstration, I was sold. So now my bag is nicely rounded out. I even found a REALLY cool eye compact that has all my favorite eye colors swirled together. It looks great. I think I may need to get a few more color sets…

Damnit. 30 years later, I’ve finally achieved the perfect feathered cut.

Name one thing you do every day:
Read. I sit down and read everyday. Either a newspaper or a book or an essay off the internet. It’s a habit I’ve had for almost 3 decades.

Name two things you wish you could learn:
Learn to play the harmonica
Learn to speak Russian or Chinese

Name three things that remind you of childhood:
The smell of a new box of crayons. If I could bottle the scent, I would.
Robotech & Kung Fu Theater
Parcheesi

Name four things you love to eat but rarely do:
Corn on the cob
Chili Cheese Fries
Lagasna
Cotton Candy

Name five things/people that make you feel good:
Catherine. She lights up the room with her silliness and life.
The smell of a bookstore. Used book stores run a close 2nd place.
Seeing people be kind to each other
Catching sight of the ocean
Red Mary Janes

Okay. I admit it - I’m exhausted. The drama of this week finally caught up with me today while I was eating my salad. Cause salad is diet food, right? And the doctor said I needed to lose weight, right? So I forgo a trip to The Stand or some other burger joint and get a salad from the deli upstairs. Lettuce, cucumbers, turkey and swiss. Except it was pointed out to me the turkey and swiss are SUPER HIGH in sodium. So that in effect cancelled out the good I was doing by having a salad. I may as well have had that gooey chicken sandwich with homemade kettle chips. I wish I could call a “do over” and get something truly healthy for me. I think what’s freaking me out is the fact that not only do I have to change my lifestyle eating habits, but I also need to factor in the need for a low sodium diet as well. I’ve done the diet thing before (oh so many times), but never have been in the position of needing to consider salt intake. And with all the day to day stuff going on, I’m just feeling overwhelmed today.

Pity Party, table for 1. I’m at a loss (other than the hair loss).

Speaking of hair loss, I think I’m going to draw a smily face in the little bald patch on for tall people to look at if they happen to notice the top of my head.

Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention, please!
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair,
to discover your pillow is covered with hair,
what ought not to be there?  — Tobey, Sweeney Todd

I don’t know if this is a delayed karma bomb or an indication that something is wrong, but last night I learned that a quarter sized patch of my hair is missing.

Gone. poof. ¿adónde mi pelo fue?

Regardless of what caused the hair loss, it doesn’t look like it’s going to be growing back anytime soon from what I’m reading on the internet (purveyor of smut and needless worry). It could be 6 months to a year before it even starts to grow back. AND I don’t know if I’ll lose any more.

OMG - what if I loose little quarter-sized patches all over my scalp? That’s going to look pretty lame. If that happens, I’ll just shave my entire head and be done with it. On the other hand, this would be a fabulous excuse to grow a hat collection. (I won’t wear a beret since I had my ass kicked in 7th grade by 4 scary chola girls for wearing one). CRAP - tall people are going to notice it right away.

You know what’s really weird? Feeling my scalp. I never thought there would be a time that I wouldn’t have my hair. I took it for granted that as a female, I wouldn’t have to face hair loss.

And I have a horrible fascination with the little bald patch. My hand keeps gravitating to my head and my fingers search out and trace the hairless circle on the top of my head. It looks like a cantaloupe. A hairy cantaloupe.

Maybe this is just a present from life welcoming me to the beginning of middle-age. Or maybe Glenn is secretly cutting off my hair while I’m sleeping.

I’ll make a doctor appointment today.