crucible of ennui

Catherine is finally at that magical age where the most socially inappropriate things come out of her mouth. Most of the time she is very considerate of other people and refrains from calling people ugly or silly-looking (unlike her mother).

This self-censoring ceases to exist while in the presence of little people.

At the grocery store where we usually shop, there is a midget bagger. He’s really nice and always offers to help us take our food loot to the car. This Saturday he was wearing a sparkly green bow tie and a leprechaun hat as he ran around restocking stuff and helping people. As soon as Cat saw him, she was beside herself and yelled out – “MOMMY!!!! HE LOOKS LIKE AN OOMPA LOOMPA!!!”

If it wasn’t my child, I would have been ROLLING in the aisle with tears streaming down my face. As it was I did my best to distract her with a box of cereal I bounced off her head.

But then each time he’d run by, she’d twist around to keep him in her eyesight while yelling, “MOM!!! LOOK AT HIM RUN!!!!”

I am sweetie, I am.

Last night Catherine & I went to hear my niece’s choir sing Christmas songs at a local church complex. Cat did okay, but it was hard for her to keep still towards the end of the performance.

It was pretty much over for us when the pastor guy was doing his end of festivities prayer and Cat was all over the place. I did the mommy-face and asked her to please sit still for just 2 more minutes and then she took a swipe at me.

Game. Over.

She instantly knew she crossed the line. I gathered our stuff up and we walked to just outside the church because I think there’s a no beating policy in most places of worship. I was pretty pissed off and needed a frame of reference other than myself or a 3 year old and called Glenn. I think it was probably punishment enough to have to listen to me tell her father what she had done and even worse was when we actually got home. As we drove the 5 minutes home, I was in Mommy-lecture mode. We walked up to the porch and she looked at me like, “Aren’t you going to open the door?” and I was all, “No – you need to go in and deal with THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS.” Dude – so when did the ghost of my mother take over my body.

The final punishment – 3 nights no Wii.

I am Sweeney Mom.

This weekend was busier than usual. 
Usual regularly being ignoring everything outside of the 4 walls of my home. 

Glenn and I headed to the office party on Friday evening. It ended up being a lot of fun. It was at Romanov’s. There was lots of food and lots of friends. We ended up leaving early and heading to see Beowulf in 3D on the huge IMAX screen. OMG. How utterly cool. I’ve never seen a 3D movie before. It’s was pretty trippy and fun was had by all. 

Saturday morning we went to our favorite breakfast diner and had some pancakes. In the afternoon, Catherine and I headed over to The Alex theater in Glendale and seeing a production of The Nutcracker. I think my favorite part of the performance was when Catherine asked ”Mama, why is that man wearing tights?!?!?” She cracked up the rows around us, especially the fathers who were probably dragged there by their wives and daughters. The dancing was fun and Cat had a lovely time and fun was had by all. 

Sunday I was able to scoot out of the house on my own for a bit. I headed over to an art show to get some unique gifts for family. I found the reversible story telling dolls I wanted, fairy wings for Cat and Bella, neat art boxes for Felipe and for myself…. I finally was able to commission one of my favorite artists take my order for a charm bracelet I’ve been wanting for 5 years. All the charms are handmade and Cindy (the artist) works with the person to get a feel of personalities and attitudes. I’m starting with 3 charms, 1 for Catherine, 1 for Glenn and 1 for me. Then Glenn and Catherine can commission more charms to add – for Mother’s Day and Christmas. I love Halloween – so a Halloween charm would be very appropriate. My bracelet will be done by Valentine’s Day!!!!

Sunday evening we headed over to Peggy’s to meet my nephew’s girlfriend for the 1st time. After that we headed home to decorate our own tree. 
 

listening to Catherine read Where the Wild Things Are to her dolls.

Catherine has learned how to say, “Ma ma.” Of course, it’s the coolest thing ever.

The best is when she’s excited and happy, she’ll clap her hands together and laugh.

Sure… just melt my freakin’ heart, why doncha ya?

Of course when Peggy came over to drop off Girl Scout Cookies (mmmm GS Cookies), I couldn’t get her to do ONE. SINGLE. THING.

Performing monkey, my ass.

I’m not sure exactly what I want to say about Jenna. Anger, sorrow and confusion have been the emotions coloring my perception of the world this past week.

I catch myself calling Catherine, “Jenna.” I will look straight at Cat and know that it’s my daughter and still say, “Jenna.”

I think of all the plans we had this year – the beach, the Getty, picnics, the poppies this spring. And Catherine’s first birthday.

Jenna, 1997 – 2005
 

I’ll be out probably until next week. It’s going to be a looooooong weekend.

Friday is the viewing.
Saturday is graveside services.
Sunday is memorial services.

I keep thinking how tired I am. And then I think how tired I’ll be after this weekend.

And then I feel guilty because it doesn’t matter how I feel.

The preliminary medical examiner’s report states the cause of death was a viral infection that attacked her heart and caused a heart attack. The viral infection was probably influenza.

No one could have done anything.

My niece Jenna died this weekend. She was 7 years old, brilliant, stunningly beautiful and one of the reasons I wanted to have my own children.

We’re still waiting to find out what happened. They were on the way to the emergency room when she collapsed and stopped breathing. The paramedics couldn’t do anything even though they worked on her until her lungs started to bleed.

I cannot even begin to explain how horrible and devastating her death has affected my sister.

I took it for granted that Jenna would always be there. I took my sister for granted, lied and wasn’t there for her when she needed me most.

I wish I had one more time to tell her how much I loved her and how much I will miss her.

I decided against posting all the nasty details of Catherine’s last cold. And it was nasty. At one point she had a sinus infection, chest cold, sore throat, fever AND an ear infection. The amount of snot this child can produce is mind blowing. It got to the point where if she even saw the booger-sucking thingy in the room she would try to turn over AND CLAW TO GET AWAY. But she’s fine now.

At the end of her cold, she started up the drooling again. And tooth #2 came in. And she loves to bite. She bit the daycare worker, me, her father, Conner – the poor defenseless little boy at daycare two months younger than her *giggle*, the end of the cat’s tail and whoever else is foolish enough to place a finger near that treacherous maw.

Man oh man. I loves me my vicious baby.