crucible of ennui

After a long, dry spell… found crumpled up in a lonely grocery basket yesterday morning… a shopping list.

PAM
Woolite
peanut butter
Bread
ADVIL
Bandaid
calcalator

Obviously a back to school list.

From my friend Eric Hansen -

Good Judgement comes from experiance. Experience comes from bad judgement. James Joyce 

Me: Catherine, what sport has a “face-off?”

Cat: You.

Glenn: OOOOO - BURN. At least she didn’t say “your mama.”

Photo by Glenn Calvin

Mongo loves to steal socks. He will pluck them out of the basket when I’m folding laundry. He will snatch them out of Catherine’s room if he sees any. He will also take her underwear and smallish articles of clothing.

Step 1: Steal Socks
Step 2: ??
Step 3: Profit

Glenn said, “vajayjay is just a ridiculous term for fadoodledo.”

I’ll remember that.

When Andie & I were 4 & 5, one of the chores we had was picking all the snails out of the geraniums. We’d stick them to the sides of our red wagon, then pull our cargo out and put them in a line in the middle of the street in front of our house. Then we’d sit on the curb and wait to see what would happen. 

Who said little girls were sugar and spice all the time?

The last snail that didn’t get smished was declared the winner and was put back in the geraniums.

With Easter right around the corner, it’s time to retell that most favorite of rabbit stories, Becky bunny.

When my sister and I were 2 & 3 we had pet rabbits. My bunny was Becky, named for my best friend’s mom who lived across the street. She was soft and oh so fluffly.

I wasn’t aware of the fact that we were in the process of raising rabbits as a food source. I’m not sure why a suburban family in San Fernando Valley felt the need to farm bunnies. Seriously. There’s an Alpha Beta just down the street. What about Danish American Farms - that really cool store with all the produce and meat counter where the butcher shaped the ground meat into the animal shape from whence it came?? C’mon. There’s no need to kill your own food in 1970.

One day my Becky ran away. She just disappeared. I cried all day long. Mom made us a special dinner that night - fried “chicken.”

It didn’t look like chicken. It didn’t taste like chicken. And those were NOT chicken bones on my plate.

Not cool Mom. Not cool.

I remember only my sister and I getting “chicken” that night. The killing of Becky and my sister’s rabbit had been too traumatic for my father and he could only bring himself to bump off our two pets. How thoughtful.

The next day - the rest of the rabbits ran away. And the day after, the rabbit hutch.

I really didn’t understand that I ate Becky until years later when I found the this note in my mother’s handwriting.

I’d like to call your attention to the word ”live” in the note above. ”Live” rabbits, not like the pile of dead ones right off frame in the bunny killing fields I called my backyard.

Moral of the story (besides not letting your parents kill and then feed your pet to you for dinner) : Don’t eat weird chicken; it could be your pet.

“when I was a little girl and I said something naughty or told a lie my momma would rub icky soap on my tongue as a punishment.”

“why?”

“because I must have told a lie or said something sassy.”

“like godamnit”

“…”

“Where did you hear that Catherine?” inside voice: “please don’t be me, please don’t be me”

“at school on the big side. Jack said it and got a time out.”

“Well then Jack was very, very naughty and my momma would have washed his mouth out with soap too.”

I was pretty shocked (and a little amused, but like 99% shocked and 1% amused. maybe 93/7). her timing when she said it was perfect. She nailed it.

In rapid succession I thought:
WTF did she just say?!
OMG I hope it wasn’t me she heard that from.
OH SWEET JESUS PLEASE DON’T LET HER SAY IT IN FRONT OF MY SISTER.

and Wow - she’s got the sassy down.

Maybe 81% shocked.

Catherine is finally at that magical age where the most socially inappropriate things come out of her mouth. Most of the time she is very considerate of other people and refrains from calling people ugly or silly-looking (unlike her mother).

This self-censoring ceases to exist while in the presence of little people.

At the grocery store where we usually shop, there is a midget bagger. He’s really nice and always offers to help us take our food loot to the car. This Saturday he was wearing a sparkly green bow tie and a leprechaun hat as he ran around restocking stuff and helping people. As soon as Cat saw him, she was beside herself and yelled out - “MOMMY!!!! HE LOOKS LIKE AN OOMPA LOOMPA!!!”

If it wasn’t my child, I would have been ROLLING in the aisle with tears streaming down my face. As it was I did my best to distract her with a box of cereal I bounced off her head.

But then each time he’d run by, she’d twist around to keep him in her eyesight while yelling, “MOM!!! LOOK AT HIM RUN!!!!”

I am sweetie, I am.

Last night Catherine & I went to hear my niece’s choir sing Christmas songs at a local church complex. Cat did okay, but it was hard for her to keep still towards the end of the performance.

It was pretty much over for us when the pastor guy was doing his end of festivities prayer and Cat was all over the place. I did the mommy-face and asked her to please sit still for just 2 more minutes and then she took a swipe at me.

Game. Over.

She instantly knew she crossed the line. I gathered our stuff up and we walked to just outside the church because I think there’s a no beating policy in most places of worship. I was pretty pissed off and needed a frame of reference other than myself or a 3 year old and called Glenn. I think it was probably punishment enough to have to listen to me tell her father what she had done and even worse was when we actually got home. As we drove the 5 minutes home, I was in Mommy-lecture mode. We walked up to the porch and she looked at me like, “Aren’t you going to open the door?” and I was all, “No - you need to go in and deal with THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS.” Dude - so when did the ghost of my mother take over my body.

The final punishment - 3 nights no Wii.

I am Sweeney Mom.