crucible of ennui

I love the sun. If there’s a patch of sun, I want to be in it. I love the warmth and that wonderful drowsy feeling you get right before a heat stroke. Nowadays I limit my sun exposure to 1-2 weekends a year. As I get older, I’m getting paranoid about wrinkles and sunspots. It’s not really about vanity - it’s more about preservation. If I were vain, would my ass be this big? I think not.

This last weekend I went to Laurie’s to hang poolside with Catherine. It was an extra cool weekend since my Aunt AJ and cousin Kira were there. It was neat to see the sister dynamic between AJ and Laurie. And Kira totally rocks.  Figuratively and literally. I think my favorite part of the weekend was Laurie on the piano and Kira on the guitar playing Turtle Blues.

Back to the sunburn. So like, 15-20 years ago I used to tan all the time. I’d even go to the tanning salon to get a base tan so I wouldn’t be fish belly white those first few weeks at the beach. Unfortunately all that sun and tanning caused a mole… heck, let’s call it a beauty mark… on my face. It actually is located in a very flattering position, it’s not hairy or weird looking, it hasn’t grown bigger over the last decade… so I leave it mostly alone. (yes, doctors have looked at it). So the mole freaked me out and changed my sun worshiping ways - now I wear sunscreen everyday and stay out of the sun. Mostly. But not this last weekend.

Saturday we hit the pool around noon and I took the time to get Catherine all greased up, but I completely neglected to apply any to me. When we headed inside, I was pretty burnt. One of those burns where the heat from my shoulders could cook bacon. Wearing a bra has been hell. My nose is peeling and I look like a Sleestak. But what did I do Sunday?!? That’s right - POOLSIDE BABY! Sunday I used a 35 spf spray, but it wore off quickly in the water. We left at 2:00, but by then the damage was done.

BUT I have a totally kick ass tan now!!!

Damnit. 30 years later, I’ve finally achieved the perfect feathered cut.

Me: Catherine, what sport has a “face-off?”

Cat: You.

Glenn: OOOOO - BURN. At least she didn’t say “your mama.”

Asshat: “Have a wonderful Mother’s Day! Don’t drink too much.”

Me: …

Asshat: …

Me: “yeah. ’cause Mother’s Day is the biggest drinking day of the year.”

Glenn: Mario Kart till we puke tonight!

Me: EXCELLENT. BE PREPARED TO EAT MY WII-DUST!

Glenn: In your Wii-dreams.

License plate: MYNDMLD

License plate frame: Live Long and Prosper.

When Andie & I were 4 & 5, one of the chores we had was picking all the snails out of the geraniums. We’d stick them to the sides of our red wagon, then pull our cargo out and put them in a line in the middle of the street in front of our house. Then we’d sit on the curb and wait to see what would happen. 

Who said little girls were sugar and spice all the time?

The last snail that didn’t get smished was declared the winner and was put back in the geraniums.

I’m not the best driver. But to my credit I only hit stationary and inanimate objects. So you’re completely in luck if you’re a person or animal. Not so lucky if you’re a parked car or mailbox.

Two weeks ago I accidently hit an air duct while backing into a parking space in an underground parking garage. It was really dark and the duct cut 3 feet off the parking space. Obviously I didn’t see it and the result of my carelessness is a nice sized dent on the back of my car (which we just finished paying off last month).

The worst thing was telling Glenn. And even worse is that this isn’t the first time I’ve had to tell him I’ve had an accident. And even worse than that was when I plowed into his next door neighbor’s car while he was watching.

It was early in the relationship and I just bought a new car and was driving over to show it to him. It was autumn and a really bright day with all the leaves falling from the trees and swirling around in the wind. I had just turned down his street and half a block from his house a huge leaf blew in front of my car and I mistook it for an adorable little kitten. Not wanting to get fresh kitten blood on my brand new car (thus opening the door for demonic posession after being annointed with the blood of innocents) I swerved dramatically to the right and smashed into the back quarter panel of Glenn’s neighbor’s truck (which was also new).

Glenn was either looking out the window or standing on the porch and saw the whole thing. To this day, it’s one of his favorite moments of my lameness.

Catherine is finally at that magical age where the most socially inappropriate things come out of her mouth. Most of the time she is very considerate of other people and refrains from calling people ugly or silly-looking (unlike her mother).

This self-censoring ceases to exist while in the presence of little people.

At the grocery store where we usually shop, there is a midget bagger. He’s really nice and always offers to help us take our food loot to the car. This Saturday he was wearing a sparkly green bow tie and a leprechaun hat as he ran around restocking stuff and helping people. As soon as Cat saw him, she was beside herself and yelled out - “MOMMY!!!! HE LOOKS LIKE AN OOMPA LOOMPA!!!”

If it wasn’t my child, I would have been ROLLING in the aisle with tears streaming down my face. As it was I did my best to distract her with a box of cereal I bounced off her head.

But then each time he’d run by, she’d twist around to keep him in her eyesight while yelling, “MOM!!! LOOK AT HIM RUN!!!!”

I am sweetie, I am.

Most are familiar with Male Refrigerator Blindness (”MRB”) - the inability of the male to visually identify items within a refrigerator.

Unfortunately few are aware that MRB is sometimes a precursor to Selective Male Blindness (”SMB”). Scientists have discovered that MRB can progress from a general failure to locate milk, eggs, ketchup and cheese to more extreme forms of the disease, characterized by sarcastic disbelief and a tendency towards conspiracy theories in addition to visual impairment.

Over time, SMB can and will develop into a crippling affliction that renders a male unable to find such basic items as baseball hats, keys, magazines and most importantly, the remote control.

Ongoing studies have shown that SMB affects 100% of the male population at various stages of development. Although SMB has been recorded in males as young as 5 to the extreme elderly, studies have shown most cases occur within the adolescent and married male age groups.

Recently, the contagious effect of SMB has been studied to address cases of females unable to locate items while in close proximity of a male suffering from SMB. To date no definitive conclusions have been made. Thankfully scientists discovered that removing the SMB-Male will dramatically increase the chances of the female’s natural resistance to the effects of SMB.

As scientists race towards a cure for MRB and SMB, we can only hope help comes soon.