crucible of ennui

Okay. I admit it - I’m exhausted. The drama of this week finally caught up with me today while I was eating my salad. Cause salad is diet food, right? And the doctor said I needed to lose weight, right? So I forgo a trip to The Stand or some other burger joint and get a salad from the deli upstairs. Lettuce, cucumbers, turkey and swiss. Except it was pointed out to me the turkey and swiss are SUPER HIGH in sodium. So that in effect cancelled out the good I was doing by having a salad. I may as well have had that gooey chicken sandwich with homemade kettle chips. I wish I could call a “do over” and get something truly healthy for me. I think what’s freaking me out is the fact that not only do I have to change my lifestyle eating habits, but I also need to factor in the need for a low sodium diet as well. I’ve done the diet thing before (oh so many times), but never have been in the position of needing to consider salt intake. And with all the day to day stuff going on, I’m just feeling overwhelmed today.

Pity Party, table for 1. I’m at a loss (other than the hair loss).

Speaking of hair loss, I think I’m going to draw a smily face in the little bald patch on for tall people to look at if they happen to notice the top of my head.

Apparently it’s Alopecia Areata.

The doctor gave me a topical cream to help regrow the hair. (The only thing that would be better than a topical cream would be a contemporary salve. And then a news-worthy ointment… say ointment 5 times fast).

He said that if the topical cream didn’t work - there were steroid shots that should probably work. I don’t know about you… but I don’t think I’ll be lettin’ someone poke a needle in my scalp anytime soon. I may just have to change my nickname to Patches if it doesn’t grow back. There’s also the chance that it could get bigger and I lose more hair. Like I said before, if that happens, I’ll shave my head and wear a cool gypsy silk turban with some funky, jingly hoop earrings. Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho!

Glenn said he would be freaked out if I got eyes tattooed on the back of my head. He said that even if the hair grew back he’d know those eyes were there and it would be creepy. And heaven knows I don’t want to psychologically scar the man.

I don’t think it’s a big deal. But I think a lot of people do. I was ordering lunch and bent over to look in my purse and the lady behind the register gasped. Like a really LOUD Bugs Bunny “GAAAAASSSSSP!!!!” kinda gasp. Like she’s never seen a woman with a little bald patch.

I also told my boss what’s going on and we both admitted a morbid fascination with the whole circumstance. There’s a perverse side of me that is super curious to know what I’d look like without hair. Do I think I have enough confidence to pull off that look? Hell yeah I do. (Disclaimer: The previous sentence is not a challenge to the powers that be to strike me with total baldness tomorrow. Please.)

The only bad news from the doctor was high blood pressure. I asked him if maybe it was high because of, hmmm… maybe… my hair falling out?!?!?

For the next two weeks I need to gather data and send it over to him and then make a follow-up appointment. In the mean time - No salt; I have to lose weight; I need to exercise; And finally no hooch of any kind.

Crap. And I was going to give up idiots for Lent.

If I do end up having to shave my hair off, I’m going to get eyes tattooed on the back of my head.

Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention, please!
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair,
to discover your pillow is covered with hair,
what ought not to be there?  — Tobey, Sweeney Todd

I don’t know if this is a delayed karma bomb or an indication that something is wrong, but last night I learned that a quarter sized patch of my hair is missing.

Gone. poof. ¿adónde mi pelo fue?

Regardless of what caused the hair loss, it doesn’t look like it’s going to be growing back anytime soon from what I’m reading on the internet (purveyor of smut and needless worry). It could be 6 months to a year before it even starts to grow back. AND I don’t know if I’ll lose any more.

OMG - what if I loose little quarter-sized patches all over my scalp? That’s going to look pretty lame. If that happens, I’ll just shave my entire head and be done with it. On the other hand, this would be a fabulous excuse to grow a hat collection. (I won’t wear a beret since I had my ass kicked in 7th grade by 4 scary chola girls for wearing one). CRAP - tall people are going to notice it right away.

You know what’s really weird? Feeling my scalp. I never thought there would be a time that I wouldn’t have my hair. I took it for granted that as a female, I wouldn’t have to face hair loss.

And I have a horrible fascination with the little bald patch. My hand keeps gravitating to my head and my fingers search out and trace the hairless circle on the top of my head. It looks like a cantaloupe. A hairy cantaloupe.

Maybe this is just a present from life welcoming me to the beginning of middle-age. Or maybe Glenn is secretly cutting off my hair while I’m sleeping.

I’ll make a doctor appointment today.