crucible of ennui

Ok. So why is it that when things are tough, I withdraw. I haven’t wanted to write about it until the 1st trimester was over, but it doesn’t look good at this point. I just got back from the doctor today. The term “inevitable miscarriage” came up - nothing I can do about it. Just sit back and wait for it to happen. If it doesn’t happen by the end of this weekend, she wants to schedule me for a D&C on Monday. The first ultrasound last week should have showed something, so we did another one today. Before “the sac” was at a 7 week size, today it was down to a 5 week size, without any indication of anything inside it. Just an empty sac. Nothing I could have done about it. But at this point, the doctor’s says we should have been able to seen something in there moving around, maybe even see the heartbeat on the ultrasound. But again - just an empty sac. I really should wait for my blood work to come back tomorrow. If the pregnancy hormorne levels are lower than last week, I’m definitely going to have to have the procedure on Monday since there is no way the pregnancy can be healthy.

But here’s the deal. For some weird reason I’m determined to deal with this alone. I don’t want Glenn to have to see me miscarrying or in the hospital. I want to protect him from that. Which is really stupid because he was so excited and of course is upset by the fact that 1) I’m probably going to lose this baby and 2) he isn’t home to be here with me in case something happens this weekend.

So now I sit back and wait. The doctor wanted me to go across the road and get a “procedure” right after my appointment, but I’d rather just wait to see what happens this weekend. Who knows? Whatever happens, I hope everything turns for the best.