crucible of ennui

I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot today.

It’s been a year since I’ve spoke or seen him. And I’m wondering how asking to be on an equal respect level can equate to this banishment.

It would be totally easy to walk away from, other than the times when I KNEW in my heart of hearts that he wouldn’t let me down, that he would be that buffer between me and mom, that he was just as much of a fuck-up as me.

But now mom is dead and Donna is in the picture, my definitions of past relationships don’t amount to a hill of proverbial beans.

So of course I called my sister, Andrea, to get grounded and some perspective. Andie says that God sees every tear I shed and knows my pain, which in some way is comforting.

But there’s still this hole in my life that I can’t fill with my husband or anyone else. I so wanted my Dad to want a relationship with me, now that I finally love myself.